🧠 Speak to the Part, Not Just the Person: A Trauma-Informed Perspective

When communication breaks down, it’s easy to slip into critique mode — “Why can’t they just be more considerate?” But what if the issue isn’t a lack of care… what if you’re speaking to a younger, wounded part of that person?

Welcome to a powerful shift in perspective, grounded in IFS (Internal Family Systems) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy.

👶 You’re Not Just Talking to an Adult — You Might Be Talking to Their Inner Child

According to both IFS and EMDR frameworks, when someone experiences trauma, certain emotional “parts” of them can become frozen in time. These parts stop developing and get stuck at the age when the trauma occurred.

So while you may be addressing a full-grown adult, the part of them that’s activated in the moment might be:

• A hurt 6-year-old afraid of rejection

• A confused 10-year-old who learned to shut down

• A panicked teen who coped through anger or withdrawal

🧩 These parts aren’t bad — they’re trying to help in the only way they know how.

❤️ Compassion ≠ Excusing Behavior

This isn’t about letting people off the hook. Accountability still matters.
But it’s about approaching conflict with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.

🔄 “What part of them is showing up right now?”
🗣️ “How can I speak to that part in a way that might actually help them feel safe or heard?”

🧘 A Practical Example: The Tantrum Analogy

Imagine a child throwing a tantrum. You might feel frustrated, but you understand they’re still learning how to regulate. You don’t ignore their behavior — but you respond with patience because you know their brain is still developing.

🧒 In the same way, when an adult lashes out, shuts down, or reacts defensively, you can ask:

• What might this part of them have experienced in the past?

• What does this part need right now to feel safe, not attacked?

🔑 Takeaway: See Beyond the Surface

Understanding someone through this trauma-informed lens changes everything:

✅ You stop expecting perfection
✅ You show up with boundaries and empathy
✅ You create safer spaces for emotional growth — in relationships, families, and yourself

✨ Final Thought

Next time you’re tempted to criticize, pause. Reflect. Ask:

🧠 Am I really speaking to their adult self… or to a hurting part still stuck in the past?
🧍‍♂️🧍‍♀️ We all carry parts. Healing begins when we learn how to speak to them.

📣 Big Valley Therapy is Coming Soon!

We’re passionate about helping individuals and couples heal with compassion, clarity, and connection. Stay tuned at bigvalleytherapy.com